and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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