I accidentally burped into my bong.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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