who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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