I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
