new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
