I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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