i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Randomize
