oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
