We named our party play list daddy issues
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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