the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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