Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
