just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Randomize
