She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize