Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
