I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
