i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
