those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
