that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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