if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
