I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
