I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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