I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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