when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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