Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
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