God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
