On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize