Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Randomize
