my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
