I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Randomize
