hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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