I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
The Olympian is in my bed
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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