lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize