He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
