There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
