While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
