There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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