Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
