You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
