i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
