I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She announced her abortion via fbk
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
