I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
