I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
