I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
