Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
