just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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