you're like a bully in the Christmas story
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
