May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
