You're my little dorito
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You are a genius and a whore.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
