I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
