I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
