The best revenge is premature balding
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
