Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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