awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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