Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
