So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
