Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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