drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
