and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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