just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
