Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
