So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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