Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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