My nipple is on Facebook.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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