I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
