The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
