at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
