I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
